i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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