Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
It's blow job season.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
