I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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