my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
