Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
