I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
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