Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
