i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
