He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
