we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize