____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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