I only kidnapped one of them. chill
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
Less talking, more tequila
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
