This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I just had sex on a roof
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
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