okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
