How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
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