I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
