i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
