I just threw up on my dentist
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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