I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
