This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
