1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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