I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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