Ha. No worries! So loud here &god I love drag queens! How does it happen, the congealing?
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
