Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
