my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
