My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
vagina is talking i cant
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
