Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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