Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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