So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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