Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Randomize
