But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I've been awake for 20+ hrs. What does that mean? I just realized if BSB were Twilight characters, Brian would be Jake and Howie would be Edward based on the video for "Everybody". That's unsettling.
It's unsettling that you took the time to think about that.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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