there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
