I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
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