my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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