JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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