My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
