Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
