I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
