Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
