So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
