Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Randomize
