i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
FIrst one done
How did it go?
I dunno I taled about women being treated wrong and quoted Ice T. So probably a "c"
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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