I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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