community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Randomize
