My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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