I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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