What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
