I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize