he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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