that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
