upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
