Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Randomize
