Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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