take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize