some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
